pandemian
(Written largely in past perfect tense)
Cause dropsy and rabies
Scrofula and scabies
And headaches of lurid immense
Semiperfect
4 July 2008
0 commentsI am 30 today.
30 things I have learned in the last 30 years.
- Never break two laws at once.
- Tizer will remove marker pen from latex.
- Whenever possible, drink from curly straws.
- Don't get too comfortable.
- Only touching something when you know where it's been gets boring quickly.
- Silence can be passed off as grace.
- Never get involved with a man in a homburg.
- The cure for heartbreak is realising that hearts don't actually break.
- Plot often and with feeling.
- Keep shoes off the table unless you're tapdancing.
- Read the Daily Mail and do the opposite.
- Do not let anyone cut your hair in exchange for a Megadeth CD.
- Trying to be sexy is oxymoronic.
- Many unexpected things can be successfully used as a mixer for vodka.
- However milk is not one of them.
- Tapwater neither.
- Do not wait for permission.
- Or approbation.
- The best sweeties often come from strangers.
- My body is not a temple, it is a once-use only, disposable plastic tent from Argos.
- Never foxtrot on a bendy bus.
- Romance does not come in shades of pink and red.
- When in doubt, twiddle your moustache.
- Be suspicious of the originality of the self-declared cynic.
- It's not what you do, it's what it does to you.
- Things do not in fact happen for a reason.
- You cannot pole dance to Bing Crosby.
- Sherbet Dip Dabs are fine to have for dinner three days in a row, but not four.
- You don't have to.
- No, you really don't.
Nice dream
16 June 2008
6 comments
comments
Brilliant. Someday I will stop pretending to think like that and actually do it. Oh, what a day that will be! Timbo on Nice dream
Gordon's turned into a woman? Didn't see that one coming. Stuart on Nice dream
Ah, I just saw the title. Stuart on Nice dream
I assume, and knowing the Daily Mail, that this is literal? Rosie on Nice dream
Gok will be shocked. Gordon on Nice dream
Quite right I already look good naked as it is... An Unreliable Witness on Job's comforter
My imaginary pet cat, Haruki, was briefly disappointed to read your opinion of his namesake's greatest work. Fortunately, I then fed him some tuna, after which he remembered that his name is really Tiddles. Ani on Job's comforter
I would be more disappointed if you hadn't written about your tryst with such candor. soubriquet on Roorback
Woooo! African style elections! Zowie! Let me just go sharpen my machete. You, by the way, will be voting BNP. It is required. You would be unwise to say no if you want to see your family again...... No, on the whole, I think I quite like the british style, where nobody knows or much cares who you vote for. What I am really saddened by is the collapse of the Monster Raving Loony party, following the demise of Screaming Lord Sutch. I quite like the fact that Boris got the job. It proves the un clarissa on Roorback
I assumed I could not vote. I still think my assumption right (I've not got a UK passport or a EU passport, which I think you need to vote in local elections), but I'll feel a right twat if I learn I erred by not trying to cast my vote. Especially now that the clown is mayor.
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